Romans 8:28

28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
- New Living Translation

28 And we know that God will give health, wealth, and prosperity to those who claim to love God and are called to be part of their pastor’s purpose.
- Modern Church Translation

Galatians 1: 6 and 7

6 I am shocked that you are turning away so soon from God, who in his love and mercy called you to share the eternal life he gives through Christ. You are already following a different way
7 that pretends to be the Good News but is not the Good News at all. You are being fooled by those who twist and change the truth concerning Christ.
- New Living Translation
 

6 I am shocked that you are turning away so soon from church, which so graciously called you to give your money, time, family, and thoughts over to it.  Giving these things (as a cheerful giver of course) will allow you to buy salvation from the church through their exclusive knowledge of the eternal life given through Christ.  You are following a horrible way that could lead you to fall into the agonizing torment of hell at any given moment.
7 You think your way is the Good News, but it is actually the Bad News.  You are a fool leading others fools to hell with you because going to church is the only way to know the truth concerning Christ.
- Modern Church Translation

1st Timothy 6: 18 and 19

18 Tell them to use their money to do good. They should be rich in good works and should give generously to those in need, always being ready to share with others whatever God has given them.

19 By doing this they will be storing up their treasure as a good foundation for the future so that they may take hold of real life.

- New Living Translation

18 Tell them to give their money to their church so they can pay the salary of the staff, the building payment, utilities, and fund the various entertainment events for the members.  They should give generously and freely of their time to the church.  This will free up time for the staff to refer those in need to the Salvation Army or Goodwill.

19 By doing these things they will be storing up church brownie points as a good foundation for the future possibility of being voted a board member, deacon, or some other power position.  This will allow them to take hold of authority over others in the unrealistic world known as Churchland.

- Modern Church Translation

Romans 8: 38 and 39

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demons can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away.

39 Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

- New Living Translation

38 And I am convinced that only one thing can ever separate us from his love.  That thing is not going to church.  The angels will forsake you, and the demons will throw a party for winning your immortal soul.  Today, tomorrow, and all the rest of your days will be controlled by the powers of hell since you have decided to throw God’s love away by not coming to church.

39 Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, there is never a good excuse for not attending church every Sunday morning.  To do so is to intentionally separate yourself from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

-Modern Church Translation

2nd Corinthians 10: 13

13 But we will not boast of authority we do not have. Our goal is to stay within the boundaries of God’s plan for us, and this plan includes our working there with you.
- New Living Translation

13 But we arrogantly claim authority over you that we do not have.  Our goal is to create the bondaries of God’s plan for your life as we see fit.  This plan includes you being subservient to us and our every whim.  We will ask for your opinion like we actually care and then laugh behind closed doors that laypeople such as yourselves actually think you could have a good idea.
- Modern  Church Translation

Titus 3: 9

9 Do not get involved in foolish discussions about spiritual pedigrees or in quarrels and fights about obedience to Jewish laws.  These kinds of things are useless and a waste of time.

- New Living Translation



9 Vehemently argue among yourselves about denominational pedigrees.  Quarrel, fight and attempt to force obedience to the laws of your church on everyone.  This is the most important thing you can do as follower of Christ because the beliefs of your church are perfect.  Any whom you cannot force or manipulate into adherence to your laws will surely burn in hell.

- Modern Church Translation

Colossians 1: 9 and 10

9 So we have continued praying for you ever since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you a complete understanding of what he wants to do in your lives, and we ask him to make you wise with spiritual wisdom.
10 Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and you will continually do good, kind things for others. All the while, you will learn to know God better and better.
- New Living Translation

9 So we have continued praying for you ever since you visited our church.  We ask God to show you that we alone have complete understanding of him and that he wants you to devote your life to serving our church.  We have also asked him to teach you to submit to our superior spiritual wisdom in all things.
10 Then the way you live will always honor and please the church leadership, and you will continually do things for the church so you can earn our praise and feel better about yourself.  All the while, we will put in a good word on your behalf to God since we know him much better.
- Modern Church Translation

2nd Peter 1: 3 and 4

3 As we know Jesus better, his divine power gives us everything we need for living a godly life. He has called us to receive his own glory and goodness!
4 And by that same mighty power, he has given us all of his rich and wonderful promises. He has promised that you will escape the decadence all around you caused by evil desires and that you will share in his divine nature.
- New Living Translation

3 So we could know Jesus better, he gave our pastors, churches, and denominations exclusive knowledge of how to live a Godly life.  He has called us to receive teaching at the foot of our pastors for as long as we shall live.  It is only through staying immature babes in Christ and sucking on the church nipple at least once every week that we can receive the glory and goodness of Christ.

 4 And by that same mighty power, God gave our pastors the right to bestow all of his rich and wonderful promises to those who are the most faithful to their church.  God has promised that you will escape the decadence all around you as long as you keep yourself in the spiritual diapers of your church.  By doing these things you will be able to catch a glimpse of God’s divine nature through the leadership of your church.
- Modern Church Translation

1st Peter 5: 6

6 So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you.
- New Living Translation

6 So do things for your church ensuring everyone else sees you. All the while exhibit fake humility about your actions. In a short amount of time you will be honored with the ultimate reward of Christianity. You will receive acclaim and praise from those in your church by being held up as an example of a superior Christian from the pulpit.
- Modern Church Translation

Philippians 4: 8

8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
- New Living Translation

8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what you believe to be true and honorable and right in your church. Think about things that you believe are pure and lovely and admirable about your denomination. Think about these things so that you may demonstrate arrogance and pride that your church and denomination are more excellent than all others. Think about these things so that you will know your doctrines and beliefs are worthy of praise.
- Modern Church Translation