Mark 2:17

17 When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor-sick people do. I have come to call sinners, not those who think they are already good enough.”

- New Living Translation

17 When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor-sick people do.  Healthy people should form a Sunday morning social club and call it ‘Church’.  I have come to call sinners, but don’t think that means I expect those who are healthy to help me do that.  I realize those sick sinners are scary.  All you healthy people should stay so wrapped up in all your churchy things that you don’t have time for sinners.  Maybe other than to invite them to your church.  If they don’t accept your invitation then to hell with them, literally.  You did your part by inviting them to church.”

- Modern Church Translation

Matthew 7: 15 through 20

This entry was submitted by Daniel from the blog ‘Like A Mustard Seed‘.  It’s really good.  I know you are going to enjoy it.

15 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.

16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?

17 Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.

18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.  

19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.  

20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

- New International Version

15 “Don’t concern yourselves with false prophets.  Outwardly they look just like sheep, so what difference does it make if they are ferocious wolves on the inside.  

16 You won’t be able to recognize them by their fruit.  After all, people pick grapes from thornbushes, and figs from thistles all the time.  

17 Likewise, not every good tree bears good fruit, and a bad tree doesn’t necessarily bear bad fruit.  

18 Sometimes good trees bear bad fruit, and bad trees can also bear good fruit.  

19 Just because a tree doesn’t bear good fruit, doesn’t mean it will be treated any differently than the others.  

20 Thus, It is judgemental and self-righteous to try and discern people according to their fruit.

- Modern Church Translation

Mark 10: 42 through 45

42 So Jesus called them together and said, “You know that in this world kings are tyrants, and officials lord it over the people beneath them.
43 But among you it should be quite different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant,
44 and whoever wants to be first must be the slave of all.
45 For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give my life as a ransom for many.”

- New Living Translation



42 So Jesus called them together and said, “You know that in this world kings are tyrants, and officials lord it over the people beneath them.
43 But among you it should be a little bit different.  Whoever wants to be a tyrannical king, or controlling official in my church should not call themselves kings.  Rather they should give themself a title like Pastor, Evangelist, or something else that sounds awe inspiring.
44 You can still live like a king because you will have a congregation full of subjects.
45 For I, the Son of Man, came here to give the clergy the power to subjegate others, so they each have their own kingdom.

- Modern Church Translation

John 3: 16 through 18

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
17 God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it
18 There is no judgment awaiting those who trust him. But those who do not trust him have already been judged for not believing in the only Son of God.
- New Living Translation

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who attends church will not perish but have eternal life
17  God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it.  He knew churchgoers like nothing more than condemning the world for every sin they can find, so they would enthusiastically do that job without being asked.
18 There is no judgment awaiting those who attend church every Sunday.  But those who do not attend have already been judged because if you don’t attend church there is no way you can be a Christian and it is a sure sign you have rejected God.
- Modern Church Translation

John 15: 4 through 6

4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful apart from me.
5 “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.
6 Anyone who parts from me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned.
– New Living Translation

4 Remain in church, and I will remain in you.  For a branch cannot produce fruit if is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful if you don’t attend church.
5 “Yes, church is the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in the church, and serve it, will produce much fruit.  For apart from the church you can do nothing.
6 Anyone who stops attending church is thrown away like a useless branch and withers.  Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned.
– Modern Church Translation

Matthew 22: 37 through 40

37 Jesus replied, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.

38 This is the first and greatest commandment.

39 A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.

40 All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

- New Living Translation

37 Jesus replied, “You must love and serve your church with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.

38 This is the first and greatest commandment.

39 A second is equally important:  Love your pastor as yourself.  He is the intermediary between you and God.

40 All the other commandments and the demands of the prophets are based upon absolute adherence to theses two commandments.”

- Modern Church Translation

Matthew 18: 19

19 I also tell you this: If two of you agree down here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you.
- New Living Translation

19 I also tell you this:  It two of you agree down here on earth concerning anything you think, call it a doctrine and form a church around it.  If you can convince enough people to believe it with you create a chain of churches just like yours and form a denomination.  Exclude others who don’t believe as you do and my Father in heaven will reward you for creating further unecessary division among his church.
- Modern Church Translation

Matthew 4: 19

19 Jesus called out to them, “Come be my disciples, and I will show you how to fish for people!“

- New Living Translation

19 Jesus called out to them, “Come be my disciples, and I will show you how to:

– Go to church

– Wear Christian T-shirts

– Put Christian bumper stickers on your car

– Leave gospel tracts in restrooms

– Pray Billy Graham wins a lot of people to my cause

– Play Christian music out of your car really loud so others will hear it

and various other ways you can hope that others will find their way to me without any direct participation from you. My grace and love is best shown through a lack of involvement in the lives of those around you.

- Modern Church Translation

Matthew 6: 9 through 13 (The Lord’s Prayer)

9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as in Heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
- King James Version

9 Pray like this: Father in Heaven, we have honored your name by including it in the name of our church.
10 Let your kingdom come and your will be done on earth just exactly as we have imagined it.
11 Make us all rich beyond our wildest dreams. Of course we aren’t asking for selfish reasons. We just know what will happen when all the heathens see us blow our money on frivolous things with no regard for the world around us. They will want to follow you so they too can hitch a ride on God’s gravy train.
12 And forgive us for all that we’ve done wrong.
13 And never ever let us be tempted by anything so that our walk with you will be easy and trouble free, and keep all those icky sinners away from us because we know they are too evil for your grace and redemption: For by your power and glory we shape your kingdom to our desires through prayer.
- Modern Church Translation

Matthew 5: 15 and 16

15 Don’t hide your light under a basket! Instead, put it on a stand and let it shine for all.
16 In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.
- New Living Translation

15 Don’t show your light to those who could use it as they stumble in darkness! Instead, only show it to those in your church building. Pat each other on the back with smug self-righteous grins and arrogantly congratulate one another on how well you have kept your light contained within the Christian sub-culture.
16 In the same way, promote the things you have done for your church for all those in it to see, so they can all praise you for how well you have hidden your light from those who need it the most.
- Modern Church Translation